This is the breakdown

I want to be someplace that I'm happy. I want to be with people I'm happy with. I don't know who I am anymore, what I want or where I want to go. It scares me. I miss the warm, I miss the sun on my face and the squint in my eyes when looking through the green of the leaves while laying on my back in the grass. I miss my dad, I miss who my mom used to be. I miss being genuinely happy. I wish I didn't need a job. I wish I never loved my job. I miss you, I miss her and him and us and what my life was. I miss Greystone Road and I miss my Grandmother. I miss the day we broke the pool, the day we thought we could babysit as third graders. I miss before we smoked pot or drank liquor. I miss before cellphones and when we played barbies and rode bikes. I miss hearing our parent's tell us that we should be happy we were young because once we grew up it wouldn't be the same. I wish I listened to that, I wish it still didn't matter if I listened. I miss the lemonade stands and the lake. I miss my cousins and I miss Tuesdays & Thursdays @ PWL. God, I wish things were different right now.

I hate to bitch and moan, I hate to be like this and I hate that i've forgotten what happiness is... I look forward to nothing except for sleeping. I do nothing anymore. My mind is in too many places for me to care about even one thing.

I need a fucking Xanex. I need to go to the doctor so I can be diagnosed.