being strong gets so old

working my ass of at work for absolutly no personal gratification gets so old.
having no one gets so old.

I feel like... there is no one that really appreciates me, and i'm scared I pushed that one potential person away.

it's like crazy to me what my lifes been this passed year .. looking back.. 1 year ago, i was pretty happy for various reasons. I mean.. starting senior year, had a job I love... not to mention what I thought was real love.. I don't know. Things change too fast for me to comprehend sometimes. I mean.. I don't know.. i'm pretty much over all the hard shit I went through last year. Hearts do heal, i'll tell you that much. But like... ever since... even before my parent's divorce i've had to be so strong for so many different reasons. I have all of this anger just built up inside of just by the way people treat me. I guess that's why I'm so mean to people. But not completly... I mean.. the sarcastic part... thats just me, seriously just me. But when i'm really angry for hardly any reason.. thats all this fucking shit just exploding in me making me want to scream. I couldn't tell you why so much just makes me so anxious and angry and ahhh I don't even know. I need to scream. I need to do more than scream.

Also, I'm sick of pretending like everything people do that i'm not okay with is okay. I mean... YES I know... I do speak my mind... but hardly about everything and you wouldn't know it. I feel like I speak my mind about stuff thats like.. I don't know... I don't know how to explain it. I mean, if I get into a fight with someone, I'm the first person to confront them, or make a scene, or make the point known that.. Hey, you fuck face, you're shit! but like... when people just do things... like I don't know... not show up somewhere, or leave me out intentionally ... or something like THAT ... I can't even give broad examples because it's these little things that just put me over the edge, that I keep my mouth closed about... Like.. I don't know. Why can't I just say? Hey. It's not okay. What am I so afriad of? Why does my mind chose to be open and loudmouthed about somethings and timid about others? How does that even make sense? To anyone? Because it can't. It makes no sense.

The fact that I don't know what I want... and for the things I do want .. my friends and family .. they just don't care. It's never, "good job, Dayna" or ... like .. when was someone proud of me? for graduating High School? IT ISN'T HARD TO GRADUATE HIGHSCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What about my job? or when I try to make simple conversation with my Mother to make us decent again.. why can't she ever tell me good job... or how about I can't remember for as long as i've been alive that last time she told me she loved me? how is that her and Miranda say it everyday and I haven't been hugged since Elementary School? Why the hell do I need to be the strong one? WHY do I get to be the one that does everything for myself? Why doesn't my mom see that I manage and work harder than she does? if not equivilent? Why does no one see that? Sure, she runs a household.. sort of.. but I work close to 35 hours a week, go to school full time and like manage my LIFE. i'm a damn fucking 19year old girl... It's more than most teenagers do. Who else do you know that went through the end of Junior year - Senior year working until sometimes 1 in the morning, going home to write a paper and then to school at 7? Just to repeat it all the next day? I'm not bragging it's just ... the only person I've ever known thats ever recognized how hard I try is Jeana.. and when she first told me how admirable it was .. do you even know how good that made me feel?

I'm so confused and just need a little support.

I need to stop jumping to conclusions (side note)
and I need to have someone to have my back.

most of all, I need my friends to really miss me. I mean Kayt and Cathy. Like... how is it that Cathy can go on Facebook, knowing I can very much see what she says via newsfeed and talk to Lindsay and Sean about them coming up? Why am I/was I never good enough to like.. be a part of that? Cathy's been doing this to me ever since 8th grade, and I can't stand it. I love her to death, in such a way that I don't love anyone else... but like... IT KILLS ME.

Why am I ranting at 11:10 at night? Why aren't I doing my homework? WHERE DID THIS ANXIETY COME FROM? AND HOW DO I GET RID OF IT?

11:11, make a wish.